


Candid

by connorsanto



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor's a photography nut, Connor's pining HARD, Fluff, Kinda Romantic, M/M, Photography, Pining, Slight description of depressive episodes, Treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-25 12:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21356614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorsanto/pseuds/connorsanto
Summary: “That’s the point of a candid shot. It’s supposed to feel personal, like a tiny glimpse into somebody’s life.” Connor murmured, unable to pry his eyes away from Evan.Suddenly, he realized how close they were to each other. Their faces were a mere inch or two apart. And that studious gaze from Evan, the whole time. Serious. Not nervous at all. And they were speaking so quietly. Connor felt his face heat, but didn’t move.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 29
Kudos: 187





	1. Chapter 1

**Search:** _happy videos to watch when youre depressed__  
__  
_Connor settled on a music mix a few results down the page - some lo-fi deal with chiming notes and upbeat tempos. It didn’t really help immediately, but after a while of having it on while he mulled around (sliding the SD card from his DSLR, starting on a new editing project, sipping coffee, tying up his hair) he felt the sugary, simple tones coat the dark bullet in his chest. It wasn’t gone, but it was numbed. Possibly the infallible lull of productivity, or maybe it really _was _the music.  
  
After a while, editing got boring, even frustrating - he hadn’t taken any new photos in months and he was simply going over old ones he was impartial to but had kept anyway, editing them again and again until he felt dissatisfied enough to delete his haphazard edits. He slipped back into an angry, depressed mindset just from this - even with the music still gently drifting from his laptop.  
  
A ragged, frustrated sigh left his chest in the form of a smoker’s rattle. Coughing gently, he rose from his desk before gulping down the last of his coffee: _‘Fuck this.’ _Connor tossed his tablet pen onto the desk, where it rolled away into some unseen crevice. His bed suddenly looked entirely too inviting, made up neatly with the plaid flannel comforter pilled with years of use - an inviting shade of navy - and multiple pillows stacked at the head.  
  
Connor really hadn’t wanted this to be another day of wasting away under the covers, scrolling mindlessly through Facebook and Tumblr. It was a beautiful Spring day. Birds were chirping, all was green and alive and the breeze that drifted through his open window was cool and floral scented and carried the soft _ting_ of wind chimes from some unseen home down the block. But who was he to fight his own mind?  
  
He flopped backwards onto the mattress and instantly felt a dull tang of regret. Wasted productivity; he could be out taking photos. Doing schoolwork. Playing guitar. Something. But it was just too much. Connor curled into the pillows and lamented: even with two cups of coffee bubbling in his stomach he could still feel tired. Exhausted, even.  
  
Resigned, he reached back and slipped his phone from his back pocket, brought it close to his face and opened Instagram. Classmates and their social lives adorned the feed and he scrolled endlessly until his eyes fell upon a specific piece of what could only be called _photography. __  
__  
  
__  
__‘Nice angle,’ _Connor thought, raising an eyebrow. He wasn’t really aware of any other photography nerds on his _following _list. _‘And that lens flare is nice.’ _He studied the image for a while before his eyes landed on the original poster.  
  
_evenevanhansen__  
__  
_Evan Hansen. He barely ever said two words to the guy - then again, that was the case with most of the people he followed or was friends with on social media. It was mostly the class that bound everybody together. He added them or they added him, simply because they were all in the same graduating class. It’s just what you do.  
  
Connor found himself double tapping - on that image, and then another. And another. How had he missed this? Photos, all of some sort of nature - beautifully composed with proper color usage, rule of thirds, lens flares, depth. Was this kid secretly a photo nerd?  
  
Connor suddenly realized how far back he’d ‘liked’ on this guy’s photos.  
_‘He’s gonna think I’m a stalker. For sure.’__  
_He scrolled all the way back up and tapped _message.__  
__  
__i promise im not stalking you__  
__i just like ur photography__  
__dont let it go to your head__  
__  
_Send.  
Connor sighed and looked at his own camera, sitting innocently on his desk where he’d left it earlier. It really was a shame; Larry and Cynthia bought him the Canon a few years back, after he’d expressed an interest - it was one of the few Christmases that didn’t have a sour note attached to it. For a moment, Connor relived the moment he pulled it from the box: surprise, then absolute happiness. Excitement. Even for a second.  
  
And there it sat - untouched for months. Connor supposed he cycled through hobbies like he cycled through underwear. This thing, this wonderful _expensive _thing, for a while. Then something else while the other wonderful thing lay forgotten in a pile. Selfish. Wasteful. Another sigh escaped him.  
  
For a while, Connor lay ruminating - wondering why he was this way, why he didn’t have the drive for anything for more than a few months. Then, a _ping._ He glanced at his phone.  
  
_Thank you.__  
__  
_Even Evan Hansen. Connor thought for a moment before deciding to put himself out there a little - as his mom would say.  
  
_what camera do u use__  
__  
__Oh, I don’t. It’s just my phone. I’m not really a photographer or anything. __  
__  
__you took that w ur fuckin phone??__  
__  
__Yeah.__  
__  
__jfc these phone cams are gonna run me out of business__  
__  
__Are you a photographer?__  
__  
__of sorts__  
__  
__I’ve seen some of your photos on here. They’re really unique.__  
__  
__another way of sayin they suck__  
__  
__No, not at all! They’re out of the ordinary, like being in a dream or something…__  
__  
__huh __  
__  
__Sorry if that’s weird.__  
__  
__its not__  
__  
__It’s just, the lighting in them is really cool. Like a kaleidoscope. And the colors are always really unexpected. You take really nice portraits. I could never do portraits.__  
__  
__why not?__  
__  
__I don’t know. I’m just not good at it.__  
__  
_Before he knew it, Connor was giving pointers. On something he hadn’t done in months. Something about helping others - when he could - always pleased him. Maybe this could be a thing. Maybe he could help somebody. Teach someone, even. Ludicrous.  
  
_its all abt catching emotion. thinkin abt what the person is saying at the time and using it__  
  
_

_So people talk during your shoots?__  
__What am I saying, they’re not just sitting there silent. So weird. Sorry.__  
__  
__nah its not abt what theyre saying literally__  
__more like a metaphorical thing or whatevs__  
__  
__So, what they’re saying… Inside?_ _  
__  
__exactly__  
__people can talk w/o saying anything at all, and in portraiture, its ur job to catch that__  
__  
__That’s so cool.__  
__  
__i guess__  
__i can teach u if u want__  
__  
__Really?__  
__  
__yeah __  
__  
__When?__  
__  
_“Look ma, I’ve got a playdate,” Connor mumbled, and a sharp, bitter laugh bubbled from his throat. He never thought he would think this about another person, but there was something easy to talk to about this Hansen kid. And he obviously showed an interest in photography. Maybe it could help rekindle his own.  
  
_tomorrow @ 3pm__  
__ellison park__  
__  
__Um, I’m sorry for being difficult, but do you think we could go somewhere else?__  
__  
__uhhh sure how bout…..__  
__autumn smiles orchard__  
__its abt 45 minutes away but i can drive nbd__  
__  
__Okay, sounds good! Should I bring anything?__  
__  
__just u and ur phone __  
__make sure its charged__  
__  
__Got it. __  
__Thank you, Connor.__  
__  
__you betcha hansen __  
__  
  
_

* * *

_  
_ _  
_ After packing away everything he would need (DSLR, SD cards, chargers, lenses, flashes, light bounces, tripods, laptop) and carrying it all to the car, Connor became distinctly aware of the anxiety bubbling away in his chest. It came as no surprise; he was nervous.  
  
Connor didn’t really make a habit of _ hanging out _ with other people, much less teaching them photography - something near and personal to him. Extremely personal.  
  
Cynthia, of course, was over the moon.  
  
With “Make sure you’re home by ten!” and “Do you have your phone?” and “Be safe!” all echoing in Connor’s mind like ping pong balls, he pulled from the driveway and out onto the road. With a last glance at all of his gear haphazardly piled in the back seat, he sped off in the direction of Evan Hansen’s home.  
  
Once he arrived - with the help of Google Maps - he found Evan standing awkwardly outside on his porch, a small backpack at his side. He felt just a twinge of envy at how much lighter he was able to pack as Evan slung the bag over his shoulder and started over the lawn. Connor shook his head slightly, letting his long hair fall onto the right side of his face - a therapist told him once that he hid behind his hair. Maybe there was some truth to that.  
  
“Hey,” Evan mumbled a bit breathlessly after he opened the car door and tossed his backpack onto the floorboard. “Thanks again. I, um, I don’t get out much. I mean, not like I’m using you to get out or anything. Just, like. I don’t - I don’t do this much. Sorry.”  
  
Before he could stop it, Connor raised an eyebrow reflexively. It was easy not to feel nervous around this guy, if only for the realization that Evan was ten times more nervous than he was.  
  
“All good,” He replied quietly, waiting for Evan to buckle up. After he was finished, he backed out of the cracked driveway, making sure to watch for the mailbox that seemed just a _ little _ too close to the curb. Silently, Connor wondered where Evan’s parents were. “Got everything?”  
  
“Um, yeah, I think so,” Evan murmured, twisting to check his pockets. “Yeah, I do.” He said, this time with more confidence and a slight nod.  
  
“Great. I’m putting on music.”  
  
The rest of the ride was somewhat quiet, but not uncomfortable. The weather was just as perfect as it had been yesterday, a cool 72℉. Light breeze. Connor rolled down his window and reached for a lighter in his cup holder. He retrieved a cigarette from the pack next to the cup holder and lit it.  
“Do you mind?” He gestured to the cigarette, and to the smoke lazily drifting out of the open window. Evan quickly shook his head.  
“N-No! Go ahead. It’s... your car, and everything.”  
  
There was a sneaking suspicion that maybe he was only trying to be polite. Connor took another drag and mentally shrugged it off, blowing the smoke out of the window and watching it fall rapidly behind over the highway behind them. He cracked Evan’s window out of consideration.  
“S-So,” Evan tried to chirp but his voice cracked, “Um, how… How did you get into photography?”  
  
Connor turned the music down and took another drag, exhaling through his nose.  
“I guess…” He started, frowning lightly. “I guess I just saw certain images and thought, _ ‘I could do that.’ _ That, and I guess I’ve always kinda had a knack for it anyway, so it came easy once I started learning about it.”  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Connor saw Evan nod thoughtfully.  
  
“And…” Connor mumbled, feeling that familiar flighty bubble in his chest. “I guess the idea of speaking with images jumped out at me. Being able to convey what you feel without having to talk.”  
“I know what you mean!” Evan said this so quickly, so assuredly, that it startled Connor - but he continued quietly as if he’d realized how confident he’d sounded and chose to rectify it immediately. “I… I have a hard time talking to people, like, a really hard time. So, I just… I-I guess I don’t really have anybody to get my emotions out to, either, so I just…”  
“Say it in a photograph,” Connor supplied, and again Evan nodded.  
“It’s easier than talking, and… It helps me, I guess.” He said softly, and Connor felt a little jolt of surprise at exactly how similar their situations seemed to be.  
“I feel that,” He replied, mentally kicking himself at how detached it felt. “I mean, I feel that way, too.”  
  
Evan did not reply.  
  
The rest of the ride was silent, but an undercurrent of sympathetic understanding - likening the air to water - ebbed and flowed through the car languidly for the next thirty minutes. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


"You've, um. Got a lot of stuff." Evan murmured, watching Connor pull everything from the back seat of the car and lay it on the concrete. 

"Yeah," Connor replied. "But it's worth it. You wanna help me haul?" He looked to him expectantly and Evan nodded vigorously. 

"F-For sure! Sorry I'm just standing here. Useless," He let out a nervous laugh and rushed to Connor's side - an endearing gesture. "How can I help?"

"How 'bout… you take the light bounces?" He held them out to Evan, who inspected them curiously before taking one in each hand. 

"They… they look kinda like those wire things, you know, that you put over a pan to keep it from splattering," Evan rambled. 

"Yeah, except these definitely don't go on the stove," Connor grunted, pulling his shoulder bag over his head and starting to trudge off toward the orchard grounds, holding a tripod under each arm. "They're used to soften harsh light for a better photo."

He heard Evan scramble after him on the gravel and had to hold back a snicker. 

"Gonna make it, man?"

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there!"

"If you say so," Connor grinned back at him through his hair before realizing that the action felt... foreign. As if he hadn't done it in a while - which he guessed he hadn't. 

Evan hesitantly sent him a wide smile of his own: a warm, genuine one that sent Connor's heart thudding in his chest and prompted him to turn quickly forward again.  
  
Once Connor found the ideal spot - an open field framed with trees and scattered with a few stumps here and there - he began setting up tripods. Evan sat on a stump nearby, seemingly taken with the setting. The weather really was perfect; the grass danced softly in the breeze and the sky was an incredibly deep shade of blue.  
  
“It’s really beautiful here,” He mused, gazing at the trees.  
“My family used to come here a lot,” Connor replied, attaching his camera to one of the tripods and testing the level. “We used to do picnics and stuff.”  
“Oh!” Evan suddenly exclaimed, reaching for his bag. “That reminds me, I um. I brought some snacks and water.”  
“Neato,” Connor nodded to him. “Might take you up on those in a bit.”  
  
Evan remained silent for the rest of the setup, and Connor distinctly felt his eyes on every move he made.  
  
“So, um. Go ahead and just kinda relax a little and occupy yourself with whatever. Candid shots are always more interesting,” Connor muttered, stepping behind the camera. Evan balked.  
“You - You’re gonna take _ my _ picture?”  
“Well, yeah. I’m gonna teach you how to take a portrait, right?”  
Evan’s eyes went a bit wider and he fiddled with the hem of his polo.  
“I-I just… I’m not really, um, good at being in photos? I…”  
  
Alright, well. Connor could be crafty.  
  
“Okay, that’s fine. I should probably set up a little more anyways. I’ll be working with the ISO and stuff on here, so in the meantime, let’s talk.” Connor leaned in to look through the camera’s viewfinder, adjusting the levels. “What do you think of the orchard? It feels like, maybe, you’re not too impressed.” Finger _ discreetly _ resting on the shutter release. Eyes on the subject.  
  
Immediately, Evan backtracked.  
  
“N-No! I definitely am!” He cried, before bringing his voice to an acceptable level and glancing around at the scenery. “It… It really is beautiful.”  
  
Connor adjusted the lens to a proper zoom.  
“What’s your favorite thing about it? I mean, I know that’s weird, but I like that stream over there. I used to climb down in there when I was younger and go all the way back. Kinda follow it like a trail.” Subject squared, direct center.  
  
Evan seemed to soften. He folded his hands in his lap and kind of spread his knees into a more relaxed posture. Subject posed.  
  
“I… I really like trees,” He murmured, gazing wistfully off to the right. “I worked as a park ranger last summer so I got to learn all about them.”  
  
Connor leaned in.  
“So tell me something about these trees, then.”  
  
“Well, um,” Evan kind of grinned. “Apples are part of the rose family, just like pears and plums. And there are over 8,000 varieties of apples - more than any other fruit.” He brought a hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it in that sort of _ I know that’s weird but I think it’s cool _ kinda way and smiling a bashful smile.  
  
_ Click. _ _  
_ _  
_ Evan immediately straightened and his eyes snapped to Connor.  
“Did… Did you just take a picture?”  
  
“I did,” Connor smiled wryly. “And it’s a good one, too.”  
“How - How did you-?!” Evan’s face flushed, down his neck and to his ears, and Connor had to stifle a laugh.  
“Oldest trick in the book. Now, come see.”  
  
Evan sighed, pushing himself into a standing position and slowly trudged over to Connor as if he’d walked a mile and just couldn’t be bothered. Connor removed the camera from his tripod and tilted it for him to see.  
  
In the photo, Evan was sitting on the stump with his knees apart - relaxed posture, soft smile, looking off to the right and rubbing the back of his neck. It was an incredibly natural pose, and the background was framed with trees. The lighting had been perfect - Connor was grateful, for it usually took about three shots to get just one optimal photo. But this - this was a stroke of luck.  
  
“I… I look like a doofus.” Evan muttered, flushing brighter and looking down at his shoes. “Delete it.”  
“Are you kidding?!” Connor cried, yanking the camera away. “No way, this was such a perfect shot! I’m never deleting it.”

“Connor…!” Evan whined, reaching out to yank on Connor’s sleeve, almost like a child begging for candy at the store. Connor rolled his eyes and tried not to laugh.  
“Now, come on. Look. What do you notice about this picture?” He asked, tilting it back toward Evan. “What does it make you feel?”  
“Embarrassed?” Evan glowered, and Connor groaned. _ This kid, man. _  
“Come on. I’m tryin’ to teach you something here. Detach from that and look deeper.”  
  
Evan sighed through his nose and stepped closer, really studying the photo this time, his brows furrowed.  
‘ _ Thoughtful looks good on him,’ _ Connor mused, and immediately threw himself a look. ‘ _ The fuck, man. Just focus on the lesson and stop pining like a dumb bitch.’ _ _  
_ _  
_ “I guess… it’s a really relaxed kind of atmosphere? With, like, the trees and grass and everything, and the… the way I’m sitting, I guess. There’s something about the way I’m looking away, like it’s…”  
“Private?” Connor offered, and Evan was quiet, only nodding and keeping his thoughtful gaze.  
“Yeah, like… like, organic. And the way I’m off to the left, not like, centered in the shot. It makes me seem smaller, kind of… blended into the scenery. It feels like you could just walk into the picture.”  
“That’s the point of a candid shot. It’s supposed to feel personal, like a tiny glimpse into somebody’s life.” Connor murmured, unable to pry his eyes away from Evan.  
  
Suddenly, he realized how close they were to each other. Their faces were a mere inch or two apart. And that studious gaze from Evan, the whole time. Serious. Not nervous at all. And they were speaking so quietly. Connor felt his face heat, but didn’t move.  
  
“You’re really good at this,” Evan whispered, still studying the camera.  
“Thank you.” Connor whispered back, still studying Evan.  
  
It startled him when Evan quickly looked up at him, directly into his eyes, to the point where he felt a stab of panic sink with a _ thud _ directly into his lungs. Evan’s eyes were widened slightly, lips parted as if he were about to speak. _ Thud. Thud. _ Connor’s heart skipped beats and he dare not move.  
  
“Can I try?” Evan whispered, looking starstruck, and Connor could feel the soft puff of Evan’s breath on his face. _ ‘Shit, you can do anything you want,’ _ Connor thought.  
“Y-Yeah,” He murmured hoarsely, then cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. Go - Go ahead.” He set the camera to _ auto _ \- too early for Evan to try out adjusting ISO and aperture and all that crap - and handed it to him quietly.  
  
“Um, go sit, I guess.” Evan muttered, looking down and stepping away, seeming bashful again. Connor nodded and took a seat on the stump where Evan had been seated previously; once seated, he retrieved a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.  
  
Posing had always come easier for Connor. He tucked his legs and drew forward, resting his elbows on his knees, heaving a sigh and relaxing immediately.  
  
He took a drag and let his eyes fall over the scenery of the orchard, breathing out the smoke. It had been so long since he’d been here. He supposed there had to be some kind of significance of inviting Evan here, but he hadn’t really given himself time to think about it. He took another drag and closed his eyes, blowing the smoke skyward in the form of a sigh.  
  
_ Click. _ _  
_ _  
_ Connor raised a brow and turned to look at Evan, who wore a wide grin.  
“Gotcha,” He laughed, and waved the camera a little.  
  
“You did,” Connor smiled warmly back at him. “Let’s see whatcha got, Hansen.”  
“Let’s do it, Murphy.” Evan turned a little cocky, resting a hand on his hip, and Connor couldn’t help but laugh as he walked over.  
  
The photo was surprisingly well-composed; the shot was zoomed in on Connor, centered from his chest up to the sky. The trees behind him created a sort of dark and interesting background for his cigarette smoke, wafting up. His eyes were closed and his face was resigned.  
  
“Pretty good,” Connor nodded. “It reminds me of an indie blog.” He laughed and Evan pouted a little.  
“Well, I’m not as good as you.”  
“I beg to differ. I think with a little practice you could probably get to the point where you’re better than me.” 

* * *

  
  
They spent the rest of the afternoon this way - working with different angles and different shots, moving from location to location. At one point, the two settled down to eat the food that Evan had brought, and Connor played music from his laptop.  
  
Finally, the sun began to set.  
  
“I guess we should get going here pretty soon,” Connor murmured, watching Evan, who was currently scaling a small tree.  
“Yeah, I guess we’re not gonna have much light left,” Evan sighed, pulling himself onto a branch and swinging his legs over either side. “It’s too bad. I was… I was having a lot of fun.”  
He seemed wistful, looking out over the orchard, the setting sun of golden hour falling upon his face and lighting up the leaves around him in splendid orange and yellow.  
  
_ Click. _ _  
_ _  
_ But Evan didn’t hear. He only sighed again and leaned forward, elbows resting on his thighs.  
  
_ Click. _ _  
_ _  
_ Finally, he swung one leg over and began to climb down, dropping with a soft _ thud _ onto the grass.  
“Ready?” He asked Connor, turning to walk back in the direction they came.  
“Yeah,” Connor replied, feeling suddenly tranquil.  
  
“Let’s do this again someday,” Evan smiled and turned back to him.  
“Yeah,” Connor murmured. “Let’s.”


	2. Chapter 2

The world never seems real at 2:00 in the morning.  
There are few cars on the road to create any noise. Everything is dark and silent and it feels, to Evan, like any sound he uttered at this moment would shatter reality completely.   
  
This had been happening lately; he would stir and toss for a little while, caught in the fragile state between sleep and waking, before giving in and opening his eyes to look at the clock on his bedside table. Always, in sharp red lettering, it would read somewhere between two and four in the morning. And with a sigh, Evan would pull himself from his bed and gently close his door so that he could mill around without waking his mom.   
  
This morning, that included lying in bed and scrolling through Facebook, with a documentary playing softly on his television. More for background noise, but every so often Evan would look up and watch for a bit until his focus was spent.   
  
Eventually Facebook was abandoned beneath the covers in favor of learning about an immortal jellyfish. That is, until a muffled _ ping! _ sounded from somewhere under Evan’s left leg. He dug for his phone and a small, rounded image of Connor Murphy revealed itself at the bottom right of his screen. Piqued, he tapped it.   
  
_ whatre u doing up at this hour young man dont you know its a school night _   
  
Evan let out a quiet snort and tried to think of a witty reply.   
  
_ Don’t you mean school morning? And I could ask you the same. _   
  
_ semantics _   
_ also i dont sleep _   
_ im currently editing our masterful photos from the orchard _   
  
_ Oh! Can I see? _   
  
_ only if you get ur butt over here and look at em yourself _   
_ ive been meaning to teach you a little photoshop anyways _   
  
_ At two in the morning? Won’t your parents be kinda mad? _   
  
_ theyre used to me basically doing w/e i want _   
_ as long as we dont wake them up we’ll be fine _   
  
Evan threw the covers back and scrambled out of bed in devious excitement, only to have it immediately thwarted. _ I don’t drive, much less at two in the morning. _ But how could he say that? Lame. Totally uncool.   
  
_ ill pick u up _   
  
_ You read my mind. _   
  


* * *

  
“You know, I’m… I’m pretty sure that you’re, like, the only one I’d sneak out at two in the morning to learn Photoshop with,” Evan teased as he hopped into Connor’s car. Connor sat in the driver’s seat, looking only mildly exhausted; he tossed Evan a playful smirk and a raised brow.   
  
“Is that because you wouldn’t do that for other friends, or because you don’t have any?” He grinned, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel - and although it was a joke, Evan secretly felt a small tang of hurt. Apparently, it showed on his face; Connor’s icy blue eyes softened and he gave Evan a gentle punch to the shoulder. “Sorry, that was kinda mean. You can roast me now if you want.”   
“I’m not gonna _ roast _ you,” Evan laughed, and Connor threw his car into reverse and started out of the driveway. His hair fell into his face as he chuckled.   
“Come on, Hansen,” He grinned. “One good roast.”   
  
Evan sighed. _ He wants a roast, I’ll give him one. _ He stared out the window for a few moments, feeling Connor’s expectant gaze slide over to him every so often. Finally, he turned to Connor with a start, feeling courageous and confident:   
  
“Y-You -” He started, voice cracking. Connor’s eyes were on the road, but his brows raised expectantly, along with a fond smile. Evan gulped, feeling his confidence wane and his voice came much quieter than he’d like. “You n-never left your emo phase.”   
  
A few terse moments passed and for a moment, Evan was actually afraid that Connor had grown angry with him.   
  
“Hey, I-” He started, apologetic, but at that exact moment, Connor’s face loosened and he barked a loud, genuine laugh. It was a pleasing sound, one that tapered off into tight, deep giggles. A tentative grin stretched over Evan’s mouth. “W-Was that good?”   
  
Connor was still snickering when he tossed a grin in Evan’s direction, glacial eyes peering at him through his dark hair. “Yeah, man. Amazing.”   
_ ‘Pretty,’ _ Evan mused, unable to keep the smile from his face - one that immediately faded upon that thought. _ ‘Pretty? What?’ _   
  
Connor’s smirk finally softened to an almost smile as he gave the road his undivided attention - painted nails drumming lightly on the steering wheel, the occasional set of headlights from other cars lighting up his face and turning his hair to a soft, glowing red for a moment, and…   
_ ‘Oh. Oh no. He really _ is _ pretty.’ _   
  
“Huh?” Connor raised his brows and glanced at Evan, who felt his throat run dry and fill up with metaphorical sand almost immediately.   
“What?!” He yelped, voice cracking, and Connor jumped.   
“You said -”   
“No! I didn’t say anything. You must - must be hearing stuff, cause I didn’t say -”   
“- pretty -”   
“- anything! Not a peep. Nothing.”   
  
Evan hoped with all of his being that another car didn’t come down this road and light up his face because he was sure it was bright red and that would be a little hard to explain. Connor gave him a disbelieving look and shrugged.   
“Well, whatever. We’re here,” He murmured, flipping the headlights off before they pulled into the driveway. He turned the key and the car grumbled as it shut off. Connor tilted his head to look at him. "Ready, Hansen?"

Evan could only manage a feeble nod.   
  
  


* * *

  
The first thing Evan noticed when they got to Connor’s room was that the walls were painted. Not a solid color, like black - as he would have expected - but actually _ painted _ ; the walls themselves were a deep purple color and adorning almost every inch of them were hand-painted strokes in black of intricate patterns and mandalas, of small designs and little paintings of things like faces or cameras or vinyl records or cats.   
  
“Did you paint all of this?” Evan whispered, looking around in awe. There were still some spots that weren’t painted, as if Connor didn’t know what to put there yet.   
“Yeah,” He replied, shutting his bedroom door and then crossing the room, flopping down into his worn desk chair and spinning to look at Evan. “And when it’s full, I paint it purple again and start over. Mom says it’s therapeutic or whatever, so nobody seems to mind too much.”   
“Wow…” Evan breathed. “You’re so talented.”   
Connor scoffed.   
“It’s just stuff I like doing. Anyway, make yourself at home. I’ve got some photos up and ready whenever you’re good to start.” He turned back towards his computer, seemingly done with the conversation, and continued his current editing project. 

Evan took the opportunity to look around a bit more. There were three bookshelves lined with classic literature, nonfiction, and how-to books. Things like, “Japanese for Dummies” and “Watercolor Magic” and encyclopedias. Evan wouldn’t have pegged Connor as someone who had a thirst for knowledge, but here it was. Cans of black and purple paint sat on one of the bookshelves, dirty and stiff brushes stacked haphazardly to the side.   
  
Everything looked lived in; the bed was worn but looked awfully comfortable, and the carpet had small stains and burn holes in places. There was a clear glass pipe sitting out on his scuffed dresser with some leftover pot hiding just inside the bowl. Cigarettes, one broken and spilling tobacco, lay on a far corner of his desk. His window was opened slightly, and a small ashtray was balanced on the sill. An empty beer bottle was tucked inside the trash can where Connor sat now. Evan supposed all of this would be cleaned by the time they went to school.   
  
In the midst of the obvious, there were small details: a Kaworu Nagisa figurine left to collect dust on a shelf; a My Chemical Romance CD lying on the floor; a black cable-knit sweater shoved, long forgotten, under Connor’s bed; numerous Post-It note reminders collecting on his computer monitor; a photo of he and Zoe tacked to his wall, along with other various photos of people Evan didn’t recognize. A lamp, lit with a blacklight, on his bedside table. A gay pride flag, handwoven, nailed to the wall over his bed.   
  
Evan turned to Connor sitting there, bent over a tablet and hard at work, and felt a surge of familiarity - and at the same time, a feeling of complete ignorance. It felt as if he knew him so well, and yet, not at all. _ I want to know him. _   
  
“Connor,” Evan began quietly, and the other boy hummed in acknowledgement. “I… I want to be friends.”   
  
Connor stilled for a moment before turning to Evan, expression unreadable save for a hint of sobriety in his eyes. 

  
“Same,” He murmured, frowning gently. “Why, um. Why are you saying that?”   
“I just… feel like I don’t know you. And I want to.”  
  
Connor seemed taken aback, and then almost embarrassed. He flushed and shook his hair into his face, reaching back to rub his neck and look down at the floor. He let his hand fall back into his lap, still holding his tablet pen. Connor was quiet, as if he didn’t know what to say.  
  
_‘Apologize for being weird. For being mushy. For assuming he wants friends? For being weird.’ _But Evan couldn’t make himself speak; he could only stand there and look at Connor and feel the crease in his brows deepening. The air was silent, tense - perhaps even melancholy.   
  
Finally, Connor looked up at him.   
  
“_Why?_” He asked, quietly disbelieving - awed. He seemed vulnerable. And it seemed, with Connor, that it didn’t happen often. Evan couldn’t let the moment pass.   
“You…” Evan began softly, taking a meek step forward. Connor watched him with great intensity. “You seem alone.” Connor’s eyes flicked to his for the first time in what felt like hours.  
  
“So, you wanna be my pity friend.” He murmured, bristling. Evan sputtered, trying to gather words to defend himself, but Connor continued, his voice subtly rising. _Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no._ “You feel sorry for me. Like I'm some headcase you need to solve.”  
“No!” Evan finally found his voice, but it was too late.   
_“You don’t know me, and you don’t need to!” _Connor shouted, baring his teeth, and Evan winced, backing into his bedroom door with a quiet _thud. _  
  
Movement across the hall - shuffling.  
  
The two were quiet and immediately went into _parents are awake, don’t move _mode. Everything was still, and for a few minutes, they listened. All was quiet again and they both let out a soft exhale of relief. They glanced at each other.  
“I don’t wanna be friends because I feel sorry for you,” Evan whispered. “I just like you.”  
Connor rolled his eyes.  
“Nobody just _likes_ me,” He muttered. “I don’t believe you.”  
“You’re really nice.”  
“But see,” Connor huffed, rising from his desk chair and striding to Evan, who instinctively braced. “I’m _not. _I’m _not _nice. I’m not a good person.”  
Evan looked up at him, and, with all of the sincerity he could, murmured:  
  
“I think you do bad things sometimes. But you’re not a bad person.”  
“What’s the difference?”  
“You _know _they’re bad things, Connor.”  
  
Connor opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it. Blinked. Evan took this as a sign to continue.   
“You taught somebody you _barely _know how to do something like photography. You came and- and picked me up in the middle of the night just to spend time with me. You cracked your window for me when you were smoking.”  
“That doesn’t mean -”  
“And you took pictures of me when you - you thought I didn’t notice, but I _did, _Connor, I _did, _and you took me to a place that you and your family used to go to -”  
“- Evan -”  
“- and you have a great sense of humor, you’re like, super funny, and -”  
“ - _stop _-”  
“ - _and_ _you’re really pretty_!”  
  
Everything stopped. Evan felt as if the blood in his veins had been replaced with ice water.  
  
“What?” Connor’s eyes were wide. Evan tried to speak, but again, he was frozen; his heart was beating so hard that he was sure it would come out of his mouth at any moment. “What did you say?”   
“I…” Evan gulped. “I didn’t - I didn’t say…”  
“You did,” Connor murmured, barely above a whisper, pointing at him. “You said… You said I’m pretty.”  
  
Evan could only stand and look at him. A few moments passed and Connor licked his lips before looking over to the computer.  
“We… We should start,” He offered hoarsely, gesturing, and Evan nodded vigorously, noticing his black nails, his slender fingers, his silver ring. Connor sat back down and Evan followed numbly.   
  
Quietly, Connor reached over and seated the needle of his record player before leaning in with the tablet pen in his left hand. The sound that escaped the record was catchy, and it suited Connor well. He adjusted the volume, so as to not wake anyone.  
  
_That's not what I meant to say at all_  
_I mean I'm sick of meaning, I just wanna hold you_  
_But that's not what I wanted to say at all_  
_I mean I'm sick of meaning, I just wanna hold you_  
  
_"Is it the chorus yet? No, it's just the building of the verse. So, when the chorus does come, it'll be more rewarding." _Connor mumbled along with the spoken words in the song before gesturing for Evan to pay attention. The photo on the screen was the one of Evan taken on the stump.   
  
_I would speak to you in song_  
_But you can't sing as far as I'm aware_  
_Though everyone can sing as you are well aware_  
_I keep so quiet it's hard to tell I'm alive_  
  
“So, what I’ve been doing here is just highlighting the spots where the sun hits,” Connor muttered, giving Evan a quick glance to make sure he was watching. He definitely was. “Things like trees, the grass, you. I’m upping the saturation a little, too, to make things a bit more colorful.” Connor did so, and Evan watched the color bleed into the image.  
  
_Everybody's swinging their hips_  
_Everybody's giving the waitress tips_  
_Everybody's dancing all of the dances_  
_Everybody's dancing every dance now_  
  
“It’s really beautiful,” He murmured, leaning in closer to the screen over Connor’s shoulder. Evan glanced at him and noticed he was wearing a hematite ear cuff on his right ear. “R-Really beautiful. What, um, what else?”   
  
_Those are, you got some nice shoulders_  
_I'd like to put my hands around them_  
_I'd like to put my hands around them_  
  
“Well,” Connor yawned as he spoke. “I’m not usually one for natural lighting, but in this one, I’ll try to highlight it. So, I guess I’ll adjust the hues a bit to give a little clarity.” He opened a menu and dragged multiple sliders left and right until the photo’s colors seemed a bit more true.   
  
_I have enough trouble controlling my own limbs_  
_Stealing alcohol from our parents and grandparents_  
_There's no devil on one shoulder and angel on the other_  
_They're just two normal people_   
  
“That’s so cool,” Evan whispered, leaning closer. They were almost cheek to cheek now. Connor didn’t seem to notice - or if he did, he didn’t mind. Connor’s hair, wavy and sort of dry and sort of soft and sort of smelling of pot tickled his cheek. “How… How do you know what colors to do?”  
“It’s easy once you know what colors compensate what. You add blue if things are looking too yellow. Stuff like that.”   
  
_These are the people that I get drunk with_  
_These are the people that I fell in love with_  
_These are the people that I get drunk with_  
_These are the people that I fell in love with_  
  
“Did you mean what you said?” Connor murmured, eyes still on the screen.  
“Oh,” Evan nodded, then realized that he wasn’t talking about editing anymore and balked. “Oh! Um, about what?” Connor turned to look at him, which wasn’t an effort. Their faces were very close. Instinctively, Evan drew away a couple inches.  
  
_Well, so what?_  
_We're young_  
_We're thin (most of us)_  
_We're alive (most of us)_  
  
“About your thinking I’m attractive.” He replied, his icy eyes peering through his hair and straight into Evan’s. He gulped.  
“I -”  
“Tell the truth? Please.” It was a request, but a soft one.   
“...Yes,” Evan mumbled, unable to tear his eyes away from the incredibly intense gaze of Connor Murphy. The record played on. “Yes, I meant it.”  
  
_Don't you realize our bodies could fall apart any second?_  
_I am terrified, your body could fall apart at any second_  
_Those are, you got some nice shoulders_  
_I'd like to put my hands around them_  
_I'd like to put my hands around them_  
  
“And everything else you said?” Connor murmured, leaning a fraction closer. Evan didn’t move away. “Did you mean those things, too?”  
  
_We can get real horny and keep messing around_  
_We can keep real quiet, won't be making no sounds_  
_I'll try my best not to touch your face_  
_Next time, can we please meet at my place_  
  
“Yes, I meant them, too,” Evan whispered, frozen. Connor seemed to consider this before gently setting down the tablet pen, eyes still locked on him. He leaned forward, placing his hands on his knees, as if he were inspecting.   
  
_And I know that I don't talk a lot_  
_But I know that you don't care a lot_  
_As long as we move our bodies around a lot_  
_We'll forget that we forgot how to talk_  
_When we dance, when we_  
_When we dance, when we_  
  
“I’m sorry -” Evan began, before realizing that the rest was lost against Connor’s lips.   
Sometimes, with surprise kisses - in movies or anime, at least - the recipient’s eyes would widen dramatically, or they would stiffen like a board and wonder where to put their hands. Evan thought about this as he immediately melted, eyes slipping closed and returning the kiss with what could only be described as fervor.   
  
_Don't you realize our bodies could fall apart any second?_  
_I am terrified your body could fall apart at any second_  
  
Connor finally leaned back, satisfied and heady grin on his face, leaving Evan to stand in a daze. The song on the player finally ended and switched to the next.   
“Still think I’m a good person?” Connor tilted his head, eyes alight with amusement.  
  
“Extremely.” Evan replied, leaning in for another.   
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyy 
> 
> so i originally didnt have a continuation planned for this lil oneshot but a couple people wanted it so i was like "eh what the hell"
> 
> check out c-e-c-r-o-p-i-a on tumblr, they drew something amazing for the 1st part: https://c-e-c-r-o-p-i-a.tumblr.com/post/188935287880/i-know-this-is-kinda-weird-but-i-wondered-if-you
> 
> thank you to everybody who commented and left kudos i love u all  
(esp you kat)
> 
> song is "Bodys" by Car Seat Headrest
> 
> thank u!

**Author's Note:**

> yee yee and sweet tea  
this is my first fic for this fandom but god i love these boys  
i know there was no kissing or nothin but this felt super organic to me
> 
> also headcanon? connor would be artsy enough to be into photography
> 
> special thanks to my buddy @con-fuckingfused-nor on tumblr for giving me a little push and reading a bit of this to get me started, ur the best bro
> 
> tree photo is mine
> 
> thank you all, gimme some reviews and stuff if u liked it


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